Day 2: Lampooned in Lajes

I wake up Thursday morning on “The Big Rock” in the middle of the Atlantic and take a very long, very hot shower. I get dressed and head out to see if Gibbs made it through the night. He did. In fact, he is much better and thanks to his tiny dog brain he seems to have put the whole ordeal behind him. How nice for him.

As I am walking around, I stop and finally realize… this place is beautiful!! Under different circumstances, this might be a nice place to vacation. So, maybe hanging out here for a few days won’t be so bad... These thoughts are occurring to me as I’m climbing up and over the biggest hill I've ever climbed. Suddenly, my opinion on vacation destinations changes as I encounter the second biggest hill I've ever had to climb (these hills seem to take on both literal and figurative significance at this time). Earlier, when I said “The Big Rock,” I was not kidding. The hills in this place are insane. If they were any steeper I’d need a belay and spotter to make it over!! So that being said, I make the hike all the way over to the travel center to find out about getting out of this place.

Turns out, the only way I was going to leave with the military was to either enlist on the spot, or wait for a “rotator” flight. Enlisting really wasn’t in my immediate plans, so the rotator flight seemed like the logical choice. The next was scheduled for OCTOBER 19^th !!! - an ungodly TWO WEEKS away!! Short of indicating that I could likely swim to Crete faster than that, I go around the corner and check with the commercial air office (not associated with military).

Here’s what I find out:

-It takes at least 3 flights; Lajes to Lisbon to Athens to Crete (OR, select a flight that flies all around the German countryside--I went ahead and said no to that one)

-It will cost LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of money. I gasp…

A little of the dialogue between Marcia and me:

Marcia: It will be $1,555 for you to fly and whatever the airline charges for pets.

Me: Wow!

Marcia: Why do you care of cost?

Me: Because I have to pay.

Marcia: Why?

Me: It is my fault we are stuck here.

Marcia: Oh. Well in that case let me see what I can do. (type, type, type, click, click, backspace, type, type, click, type.) OK. Now I can do this for you only $620.00.

Me: Well, that’s weird, but much better. Let’s do it (there is a new hope in my voice).

More typing and clicking, and then, just like Snoopy, my little hope is squished…

NO DOGS ALLOWED on flights from Athens to Crete!

I leave the office with my head hanging so low I could’ve licked my toes.

On my way out, I check back in with the military flights and am told, GREAT NEWS! I can definitely leave on the 19^th!! Oh yeah, but they cannot take my pet. I was about to go all Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles when he’s trying to rent a car!! I am told to come back after 2 pm. They are going to check around to see what they can do.

I leave the travel office with the thought that I will be in Lajes for at least two weeks, or perhaps the rest of my life, so I go to the commissary to stock up on a few things. I buy snacks, a 12-pack of diet coke, better microwave pizza, a proper razor, a big bag of dog food and the largest red bull I could find. I pack up all my goodies walk outside and immediately realize my horrible error. HILLS! Lots and lots of HILLS! I have to walk all the way back up the top of this rock to get back to the kennel to take Gibbs his food and then even further to get to my room. At this point I was really wishing that Red Bull REALLY DID give you wings! So, I move a few things around and load up my backpack. Like the Little Engine That Could…I think "I can do this" and head on my way.

I make it about half way up and was really thinking that Jeff Probst was going to come out of the woodwork and tell me that the “Tribe has spoken” and was voting me off the island. Instead, thank you baby Jesus, one of the girls that works at the kennel drives by and picks me up and takes me the rest of the way. I almost cry at this piece of good luck.

Gibbs has been moved from the quiet room to the outside with the rest of the dog population. He loves it and is happy. This is really and truly his first taste of what it is to be a dog. Up to this point he always thought he was just a human with four legs.

I go back to my hotel room and unpack my goodies. Really?!? Seriously?!? How in the world did I forget to buy real girl deodorant??? Day two of rockin’ the Old Spice. (Old Spice – The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.) I cook up my little pizza, watch some more AFN, and relax until 2pm when I head back to travel office.

When I go back, I’m told they are having trouble authorizing me for flights. Super. So, here I stand smelling of old man, hair in knots, sweating and no make-up. I make up my mind that I just want to leave. If I have to charter a dolphin to swim me out of here, I’ll do it. I decide that I am going to take the commercial flight to Athens and then catch the ferry to Crete.

My itinerary is as follows:

Friday:

Depart Lajes 10:30 am;
Arrive in Lisbon 1:30 pm;
Depart Lisbon 11:55pm;

Saturday:

Arrive Athens 5:15am;
Catch ferry 9:00pm;

Sunday:

Arrive in Crete 5:00am!!!

Read it once more. Yes, that’s right…with the time changes and all that goodness…it’s like 40 hours of travel shoved into three days! I’m certain Columbus didn’t have this much trouble, except for the scurvy and (insert foreshadowing comment) rough waters.

Good Times Are Indeed Ahead.

I make all the arrangements, head back to see Gibbs and tell him the good news—WE’RE GETTING BACK ON A PLANE! and try to do a test run with some pills that are supposed keep him calm for the flight. They seem to work… a little.

After my day of hiking, I make my way back to the hotel, set up a taxi ride for the morning, pack my bag and try to relax. I have to be up early, have a long voyage ahead of me, and so I try to sleep.

Day Two: Done.